Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Charlie Brown Must Die! or Why You Don't WANT to Go Home Again (part 1)

If you grew up in the 50's or 60's you most likely read the Peanuts Comic Strip - those little urchins of Charles M. Schulz. There were characters like Lucy who never received the medication her histrionic borderline personality desperately required. There was Linus who thought way too much for a little kid and carried a blanket around because no one else would play with him except on philosophy night. There was Schroeder who could play the piano with incredible skill - mostly classical and jazz, but didn't know a single song by the Doors or the Beatles. There was a dog named Snoopy who seemed to never chase cars like other dogs and incredibly never went to the bathroom. (Rumor has it that Charles Schulz once told someone that 'You'll see the Russians land on the moon before you see Snoopy wiz on a fire hydrant!') Then there was Charlie Brown, the little kid with the round head and no hair that I am sorry, looked worse than some kids after chemo! I guess if Charlie Brown were my patient I'd diagnose him schizo-affective.

Charlie Brown never really related well to any of his peers. He was never called just 'Charlie', by anyone - always Charlie Brown. Like German Measles he was announced with as much specific warning as possible. Charlie Brown like Linus also thought way too much. The difference was that he could not or did not articulate his thoughts very well. Adding to this was the fact that even his dog seemed to have more fun than he did. I suppose the worst of it however, was that he had a crush on Peppermint Patti -that little tomboy you just knew would someday have gender identity problems and go into women's tennis and get a promotional sponsorship from Doc Martin.

I think the really sad thing with Peppermint Patti was that Charlie Brown was even less able to articulate his feelings than his thoughts. Added to this was the apparent impossibility of any kind of relationship between him and Patti. Even if she didn't grow up to have an excess of testosterone or hate things with penises, she was still, way out of Charlie Brown’s league. She was active and connected to the world in a way that was age appropriate and in every way he was not. If someone were making a movie about her life, Patti would be the star and the director. In a movie of his own life however, Charlie Brown on the other hand would most likely just be an extra.

Incredibly, in the midst of all his emotional angst and anguish we were expected to find humor. What bothered me was not that Charlie Brown was so socially awkward or that he was generally inept in virtually every undertaking. What bothered me was that we were asked, actually expected to accept Charlie Brown's invariable failures as the "cute." As a child I loved Charlie Brown, but as I got older the tragedy of this short, bald, socially challenged child became apparent. Perhaps my life started to look too much like Charlie Brown's or maybe my voice had finally gotten lower and girls stopped being creepy.

Whatever the reason I awoke one day and in a moment of absolute clarity I realized that Charlie Brown must die! Like some enormous, protruding fetid eruption on the forehead of my youth, the naïve, ineffective and puerile philosophy of Charlie Brown had to be wiped clean from my budding adolescence by the Stridex Pad of reality. I began to realize that dogs should not have more fun than people. That Christmas trees that look like nose hair pulled from a barren mountain side are not acceptable. And lastly, that good psychological advice would certainly cost more than 5 cents. Of course it may still come from a histrionic borderline, but at least it's tax deductible.

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

When Harry Met Jesus

SCENE:  TSA screening area prior to Heaven's boarding gate.  Harry Camping is seated in a small room.  Enter Jesus.

Jesus:   Harry. Thanks for waiting. 

Harry: Lord.  I am in heaven?

Jesus:   We’ll get to that, Harry.  We’ll get to that.

Harry:  Was I snatched up, Lord? 

Jesus:   Well, not exactly, Harry.

Harry:  Did I experience the rapture, Lord?

Jesus:   No. No you didn’t Harry. 

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:   You haven’t been getting much fiber lately have you, Harry?

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:  You know trying to pass a brick at your age can really tax the old ticker.

Harry: You mean?

Jesus:   Yeah just like Judy Garland… on the crapper. [sings]  Somewhere over the Rainbow…..Sorry, I just love that song.

Harry:  I don’t understand, Lord.

Jesus: You died like you lived Harry, full of crap.

Harry: But the bible said….

Jesus:   The bible says a lot of things, Harry – love thy neighbor, do unto others, you know positive things.

 Harry: But the bible told me the end was coming!  The rapture!

 Jesus:  Look, Harry rapture was never my idea – way too flashy. All these people getting sucked right out of their shoes?  I mean what next aliens with anal probes? This whole rapture thing really was just a little too far out.  But hey, you know what it’s like when writers get creative and all yeah, like Johnny boy ....

Harry:  Johnny boy?

Jesus:  SAINT John.  He was a free lancer for Hammer House for a while.  Any way he was under contract to us, kicking it on Patmos.  We knew he was shrooming on the weekends, but he was staying pretty straight for while and writing steady doing okay with the bio-pic stuff.  Then one day out of nowhere BAM dragons, colored horses, plagues, seals getting broken bada bing, bada bang – rapture! ......Then Betty Ford for while -Aw Johnny.

Harry: But, Lord - the bible said the time was here....

Jesus: You're just not getting this are you, Harry? Look only the Old Man knows the time and place and believe ME he doesn’t say a word to me or the bird.  

 Harry: Bird?

Jesus:   Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit…Peace Love Dove. Any way, if he won’t tell us why in His name would He tell you?

Harry: Have I sinned, Lord?

Jesus: Hey did BP make big doody in the Gulf?  But what the heck, it's the American way.  Capitalism without restraints of any kind.  And you Harry, well you’re just an all American business man ... in the God Business, but business none the less. You churned up $18 mill in less a year! I mean people cashed in their life savings! You are ssssssmoking, my friend!

Harry: Then am I… am I going to hell, Lord?

Jesus: Not exactly, Harry.  Milton likes to keep things hopping and I like to keep Uncle Milti happy - he's a sweet heart really - so I let him rule down there. Any way you’d just be a wet blanket.  No, I thought you’d like to spend eternity with other business men and visionaries such as yourself. [Intercom] Pete, send in Jonsey.

[Enter a small man with mirrored sun glasses]

Jesus: Jonsey, meet Harry Camping.  He’ll be bunking with you and Savonarola.  Harry, you’ll love the tenth circle. It's crazy! It's exclusive! It’s like beyond the nineth.  We just had to expand.

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:  Did I mention that Jimmy makes a killer Kool Aid? Hope you like grape. it's the only flavor he's got.  Oh and hey when Donny Trump gets there next month don't let his comb over scare you.


Monday, May 23, 2011

Jurassic No Parking Zone = End of Times Bust

Well the appointed hour came and went and everyone is still here. Personally I was disappointed along with millions of others. Though I was not duped out of any money, I did lay out some milk and cookies for Jesus figuring if it worked for Santa it was worth a shot.

I am not too surprised as the fundamentalist Christians have never had their history right, All this talk about the return of Jesus and dinosaurs snatching people up was just ridiculous. First of all if Jesus was coming back he'd do it style like in a Bentley. Never mind all these stupid colored horses crap - a pale horse, a red horse, a palomino. NO! And there certainly would be no need for the raptors that everyone kept going on about. There haven't been any dinosaurs for billions of years so why now? Why would Jesus have a bunch of dino's snatching people up? And then wouldn't the dinos just eat the people they were snatching up? I mean are the raptors getting to heaven? Also what about the vegan dino's? Huh? Weren't some raptors herbaviors?

Yeah this whole raptor - second coming thing was just not thought out too well.

Welcome

Sometimes things aren't always as they seem and at times the only logical answer to something is the absurd.  Like "Les Incoherents" of Montmartre I find things most interesting when they are "slightly off center."  I'll do that from time to time giving a perspective on any number of things like why "Charlie Brown Must Die." Some may be offended, some will take it in stride, some will just shake their heads while laughing inside. Just don't take things too seriously.