When Harry Met Jesus

SCENE:  TSA screening area prior to Heaven's boarding gate.  Harry Camping is seated in a small room.  Enter Jesus.

Jesus:   Harry. Thanks for waiting. 

Harry: Lord.  I am in heaven?

Jesus:   We’ll get to that, Harry.  We’ll get to that.

Harry:  Was I snatched up, Lord? 

Jesus:   Well, not exactly, Harry.

Harry:  Did I experience the rapture, Lord?

Jesus:   No. No you didn’t Harry. 

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:   You haven’t been getting much fiber lately have you, Harry?

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:  You know trying to pass a brick at your age can really tax the old ticker.

Harry: You mean?

Jesus:   Yeah just like Judy Garland… on the crapper. [sings]  Somewhere over the Rainbow…..Sorry, I just love that song.

Harry:  I don’t understand, Lord.

Jesus: You died like you lived Harry, full of crap.

Harry: But the bible said….

Jesus:   The bible says a lot of things, Harry – love thy neighbor, do unto others, you know positive things.

 Harry: But the bible told me the end was coming!  The rapture!

 Jesus:  Look, Harry rapture was never my idea – way too flashy. All these people getting sucked right out of their shoes?  I mean what next aliens with anal probes? This whole rapture thing really was just a little too far out.  But hey, you know what it’s like when writers get creative and all yeah, like Johnny boy ....

Harry:  Johnny boy?

Jesus:  SAINT John.  He was a free lancer for Hammer House for a while.  Any way he was under contract to us, kicking it on Patmos.  We knew he was shrooming on the weekends, but he was staying pretty straight for while and writing steady doing okay with the bio-pic stuff.  Then one day out of nowhere BAM dragons, colored horses, plagues, seals getting broken bada bing, bada bang – rapture! ......Then Betty Ford for while -Aw Johnny.

Harry: But, Lord - the bible said the time was here....

Jesus: You're just not getting this are you, Harry? Look only the Old Man knows the time and place and believe ME he doesn’t say a word to me or the bird.  

 Harry: Bird?

Jesus:   Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit…Peace Love Dove. Any way, if he won’t tell us why in His name would He tell you?

Harry: Have I sinned, Lord?

Jesus: Hey did BP make big doody in the Gulf?  But what the heck, it's the American way.  Capitalism without restraints of any kind.  And you Harry, well you’re just an all American business man ... in the God Business, but business none the less. You churned up $18 mill in less a year! I mean people cashed in their life savings! You are ssssssmoking, my friend!

Harry: Then am I… am I going to hell, Lord?

Jesus: Not exactly, Harry.  Milton likes to keep things hopping and I like to keep Uncle Milti happy - he's a sweet heart really - so I let him rule down there. Any way you’d just be a wet blanket.  No, I thought you’d like to spend eternity with other business men and visionaries such as yourself. [Intercom] Pete, send in Jonsey.

[Enter a small man with mirrored sun glasses]

Jesus: Jonsey, meet Harry Camping.  He’ll be bunking with you and Savonarola.  Harry, you’ll love the tenth circle. It's crazy! It's exclusive! It’s like beyond the nineth.  We just had to expand.

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:  Did I mention that Jimmy makes a killer Kool Aid? Hope you like grape. it's the only flavor he's got.  Oh and hey when Donny Trump gets there next month don't let his comb over scare you.