Gimme Gimme Gimme!

I'm coming for you, Rome ..... and your little wolf too!

I came across someone the other day asking for “reparations” for slavery.  Now there is no doubt that slavery is wrong, insidious and reprehensible no matter where or when it occurs.  Since it is now and has always been inherently wrong, there is no reason to believe that is more reprehensible in one historical era than another.  However, the argument made by some individuals today that there should be an award for damages or “reparations” for the past wrongs done their ancestors may have merit for us all.  I say this since virtually every ethnicity on this planet has been at some point someone’s slave.

As a full blooded Sicilian I can claim ancestry to the peoples of Carthage (Northern Coast of Africa), Greece, Phoenicia and God only knows where else.  The owners of my ancestors were most likely Roman, though force servitude also existed under the English, Spanish and French as everyone had their fingers in the Sicilian pie.  This having been said allow me to make my demands now for “reparations.”  They are simple and fair,.

 From the Romans, I should like a Villa near San Gimignano with full free board and spa privileges at Saturnia.

 From the French, I am requesting an apartment at least 750 Sq. Meters in size in the Latin Quarter or Montmartre.

From the Spanish, I’ll be asking for tapas, lots of tapas whenever I want them.

From the English, well, I just want them to go away, but leave Shakespeare and Monty Python.

 OK, so there are my demands on behalf of my ancestors who suffered under the yoke of slavery at the hands of foreigners who usurped their rights and assaulted their humanity. Tobe will be handling the details, so come on Rome, France, Spain and England – get with it – chop – chop!

R I P VELMA

Timmy & Tobe

Tobe is sad to report that Velma Fawnskin who portrayed Bumbi's mother in "Man In My Forest", "Eat My Venison", and "Buck Me Like You Mean It" was found dead today in the southwest corner of his backyard in El Cerrito. A Rottweiler and his or her pup was seen near the carcas. It is unknown if the canines were actually responsible for her death of if she was the victim of other possible natural ailments. She was reportedly in consideration for a remake of the classic "A Fence Too High." Tobe was heard to comment: "Velma's loss will be felt, though the stench of her rotting, bloated, insect ridden corpse will linger for several more days." :(

TOBE GOES ON A CFS INVESTIGATION

For Father’s Day I received a delightful gift of a little stuffed hedgehog named Tobe.  My daughter has a similar one named Timmy.  (See picture below.) Tobe is his brother and came with excellent references. In keeping with our anthropomorphizing, Tobe and Timmy are as far as we are concerned REAL with personalities and the whole nine yards. Never mind that you can’t understand them’ my daughter and I do.  Anyway since animals stuffed and otherwise are a great way to get kids to open up I decided to take Tobe with me on an investigation.

Tobe wasn’t too certain about cruising the less fashionable parts of Richmond, but he doesn’t like seeing kids abused or neglected so he figured he’d do his part. This was a REAL face to face contact with a 5 year old boy. It was a general neglect complaint alleging that the house was filthy and uninhabitable. I saw the kid at the Y. Mom was at her sister's house since the city Red Tagged her house. (Spew.)

Me:        Hi. My name is *** and I’m from Children’s Services, but don’t worry

              you’re not going any where and no one is in trouble. We're just going to talk.

      
Kid:     What’s that? (Pointing to Tobe.)
          
Me:        This is my friend. His name is Tobe.
         
Kid:       Is he a rat?
   
Me:        No. He’s a hedgehog.
          
Kid:       Is they rats?

Me:        Well only the ones named Walter! (Ha, ha, ha.)

Kid:       He look like a rat!

Me:        Well he’s NOT a rat. Are you Tobe?

Kid:       We gots rats but they gots tails. Your rat ain’t got no tail.

Me:        That’s because he’s a hedgehog and NOT a rat.

Kid:     We gots roaches too! My momma say it not her fault. It the landlord fault.

            The rats they eats the roaches. Your rat eats the roaches.

Me:      We don’t have any roaches and Tobe is NOT a Rat. (aside) Feel free to jump
             in any time Tobe.

Tobe:  (Just smiles)

Kid:     Dem rats eats my momma’s weed and she got heckapissed and started
            hitting Deshaun with da strap ‘cause she think he do it. But I told her it was dem
            rats ‘cause I saw dem eating that big bag she gots in the closet. Your rat eats the
            weed?

Me:        Look HE’s NOT a FFFFrrrrrrr rat. For the last time Tobe is a hedgehog!

Kid:       Hedge Hog? He don’t look like no pig. He look like a rat!

Me:        Never mind the pig ....... the rat..... never mind Tobe! Who’s Deshaun?

Kid:       He my dog.

Me:        Does he have a tail?

Kid:       Yeah he have a tail.

Me:        You sure he ain’t no rat?

             

I think Tobe and I made our point! Who da hedgehog?

Below are Timmy (on the left) and Tobe Fredo on the right.

Tobe is Fredo the light and Timmy is Fredo the dark.

Walter on the Lamb!

When my child was very small her mother and I took to anthropomorphizing all of her stuffed animals. They had names. They had back stories. They had lives. So it was no surprise that when I acquired a stuffed hedgehog he also came with a name, a back story and a life. What I did not realize was that he also had history. Had I known that, perhaps I would not have made him a roommate. At the least I would have done a background check. Well I didn’t and here’s what follows.

Walter.... excuse me Kunta Kinka III (Turns out Walter was his slave name) is on the lamb. Oakland PD was looking for him shortly after he was seen on video selling Ganja at the Mac Arthur Bart stop. I kind of let him have his own space lately. I thought he was just having a personal crisis so I didn't put 2 and 2 together and when he told me that the 12 packs of Zigzags were really hedgehog toilet paper I didn't question it. Maybe I should have. He seemed to be coming and going a lot and trying to find himself. He was frustrated at not being able to braid his quills into dreadlocks. His Rastafarian thing was OK for a while even if he did sound like Miss Cleo, but then he got on his 'Hedge Hog Power' trip and started asking for reparations, section 8 and a civil servant position with the Feds. I kept telling him he wasn't qualified for most of the positions he wanted and he said "200 years of working for the man” qualified him and I could “no longer oppress him." I asked him "Well what about the Indians? They were here first and they are oppressed shouldn't we give any Fed jobs to THEM FIRST?" He said his people were not here when they were being oppressed. I said "Exactly!" I pointed out our people were not here when his people were getting oppressed, but he wouldn't hear it. He stormed out close fist (paw?) with his little fore arm extended (which was really kind of a challenge I mean to walk on only 3 legs) singing "We Shall Overcome." When the cops came by they said that Walter, sorry, Kunta actually was suspected in other crimes, He was seen on 14'th and Mac Arthur pimping out underage hamsters. He was using an alias of Walter X for a while. I wonder about all the other Walters out there. Walters, Walters everywhere and not a one can think! Maybe Walter will show up and change his life. Maybe he'll take responsibility for his action since that is the only real power we have. Maybe he'll stop trying to live on the sacrifices of others and make some of his own. Maybe he'll honor those that came before him by using all that God has given him to the best of his ability. Maybe he'll realize we are only special when do special things for the benefit of others. Maybe he'll realize this, maybe not. We'll hope for the best, but I just can't help feeling that I'll soon be looking out the window across the bay at Walter's new home at "Hotel Saint Q." I'll keep you informed.

So Help Me God

What is human secularism? Well simply to borrow form Wikipedia ..........(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Secular_humanism)

It is a secular philosophy that rejects religious dogma, supernaturalism, pseudoscience or superstition as the basis of morality and decision-making. It posits that human beings are capable of being ethical and moral without religion or God, it neither assumes humans to be inherently or innately good, nor presents humans as "above nature" or superior to it. Like communism anything that smacks of making us responsible to ourselves or one another for any reason not related to subservience and obeisance to the bible or God of established religions meets with great disdain and ridicule. That having been said it should be of no surprise that when an individual was asked some time ago in a court room to swear to tell the truth “So help you God” and that person refused the bible or the oath as stated, great consternation arose. The individual a secular humanist felt his word should be good enough on its own. Naturally someone in the fundamentalist Christian camp was offended and raised great criticism without any foundation other than they exclusion of God. A survey soon went out to question as to whether or not the statement “so help me God” with or without a bible present should be compelled. The question was asked if the respondent agreed or disagreed with the critic’s stance that it should be compelled. While I do believe in God I am none-the less a secular humanist and do not agree in compelling anyone to take an oath “so help them God.” Here was my response.

 

God made us with certain abilities including intellect. There are certain things as humans which are innate to us and certainly a basic value of life and ethics is one of them. If you have to mouth the words “So help me God” then God help you. If you have to run to scripture to figure out that stealing or lying is wrong then God help you. If you have to be reminded that God is watching you so you don’t kill someone or worse kill someone in God’s name, then God help you. If you can not intuit that there is a basic human dignity and worth regardless of a person’s sex, creed, ethnicity or orientation then you are BEYOND redemption and then truly only God CAN help you.

In a world where Jerry Falwell and people like him say Catholics including Mother Teresa are not Christian, where the Vatican allows someone like Cardinal Law to say mass in such a public forum as a Pope’s Funeral, where fanatics distort the beauty of the Koran, then God help us all. The lesson we so completely forget is that God expects up to help ourselves! God expects us to rely upon the intellect and innate dignity and humanity that were placed there when we were created. When we spend less time worrying about God and scripture and more time honoring God by use of these gifts, then the world will start to change. When we can celebrate our God instead of fearing or grieving him, then the world will take a change for the better. There is reason secular humanism has been on the rise and that reason is because God IS trying to help us all.

Charlie Brown Must Die! or Why You Don't WANT to Go Home Again (part 1)

If you grew up in the 50's or 60's you most likely read the Peanuts Comic Strip - those little urchins of Charles M. Schulz. There were characters like Lucy who never received the medication her histrionic borderline personality desperately required. There was Linus who thought way too much for a little kid and carried a blanket around because no one else would play with him except on philosophy night. There was Schroeder who could play the piano with incredible skill - mostly classical and jazz, but didn't know a single song by the Doors or the Beatles. There was a dog named Snoopy who seemed to never chase cars like other dogs and incredibly never went to the bathroom. (Rumor has it that Charles Schulz once told someone that 'You'll see the Russians land on the moon before you see Snoopy wiz on a fire hydrant!') Then there was Charlie Brown, the little kid with the round head and no hair that I am sorry, looked worse than some kids after chemo! I guess if Charlie Brown were my patient I'd diagnose him schizo-affective.

Charlie Brown never really related well to any of his peers. He was never called just 'Charlie', by anyone - always Charlie Brown. Like German Measles he was announced with as much specific warning as possible. Charlie Brown like Linus also thought way too much. The difference was that he could not or did not articulate his thoughts very well. Adding to this was the fact that even his dog seemed to have more fun than he did. I suppose the worst of it however, was that he had a crush on Peppermint Patti -that little tomboy you just knew would someday have gender identity problems and go into women's tennis and get a promotional sponsorship from Doc Martin.

I think the really sad thing with Peppermint Patti was that Charlie Brown was even less able to articulate his feelings than his thoughts. Added to this was the apparent impossibility of any kind of relationship between him and Patti. Even if she didn't grow up to have an excess of testosterone or hate things with penises, she was still, way out of Charlie Brown’s league. She was active and connected to the world in a way that was age appropriate and in every way he was not. If someone were making a movie about her life, Patti would be the star and the director. In a movie of his own life however, Charlie Brown on the other hand would most likely just be an extra.

Incredibly, in the midst of all his emotional angst and anguish we were expected to find humor. What bothered me was not that Charlie Brown was so socially awkward or that he was generally inept in virtually every undertaking. What bothered me was that we were asked, actually expected to accept Charlie Brown's invariable failures as the "cute." As a child I loved Charlie Brown, but as I got older the tragedy of this short, bald, socially challenged child became apparent. Perhaps my life started to look too much like Charlie Brown's or maybe my voice had finally gotten lower and girls stopped being creepy.

Whatever the reason I awoke one day and in a moment of absolute clarity I realized that Charlie Brown must die! Like some enormous, protruding fetid eruption on the forehead of my youth, the naïve, ineffective and puerile philosophy of Charlie Brown had to be wiped clean from my budding adolescence by the Stridex Pad of reality. I began to realize that dogs should not have more fun than people. That Christmas trees that look like nose hair pulled from a barren mountain side are not acceptable. And lastly, that good psychological advice would certainly cost more than 5 cents. Of course it may still come from a histrionic borderline, but at least it's tax deductible.

When Harry Met Jesus

SCENE:  TSA screening area prior to Heaven's boarding gate.  Harry Camping is seated in a small room.  Enter Jesus.

Jesus:   Harry. Thanks for waiting. 

Harry: Lord.  I am in heaven?

Jesus:   We’ll get to that, Harry.  We’ll get to that.

Harry:  Was I snatched up, Lord? 

Jesus:   Well, not exactly, Harry.

Harry:  Did I experience the rapture, Lord?

Jesus:   No. No you didn’t Harry. 

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:   You haven’t been getting much fiber lately have you, Harry?

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:  You know trying to pass a brick at your age can really tax the old ticker.

Harry: You mean?

Jesus:   Yeah just like Judy Garland… on the crapper. [sings]  Somewhere over the Rainbow…..Sorry, I just love that song.

Harry:  I don’t understand, Lord.

Jesus: You died like you lived Harry, full of crap.

Harry: But the bible said….

Jesus:   The bible says a lot of things, Harry – love thy neighbor, do unto others, you know positive things.

 Harry: But the bible told me the end was coming!  The rapture!

 Jesus:  Look, Harry rapture was never my idea – way too flashy. All these people getting sucked right out of their shoes?  I mean what next aliens with anal probes? This whole rapture thing really was just a little too far out.  But hey, you know what it’s like when writers get creative and all yeah, like Johnny boy ....

Harry:  Johnny boy?

Jesus:  SAINT John.  He was a free lancer for Hammer House for a while.  Any way he was under contract to us, kicking it on Patmos.  We knew he was shrooming on the weekends, but he was staying pretty straight for while and writing steady doing okay with the bio-pic stuff.  Then one day out of nowhere BAM dragons, colored horses, plagues, seals getting broken bada bing, bada bang – rapture! ......Then Betty Ford for while -Aw Johnny.

Harry: But, Lord - the bible said the time was here....

Jesus: You're just not getting this are you, Harry? Look only the Old Man knows the time and place and believe ME he doesn’t say a word to me or the bird.  

 Harry: Bird?

Jesus:   Holy Ghost, Holy Spirit…Peace Love Dove. Any way, if he won’t tell us why in His name would He tell you?

Harry: Have I sinned, Lord?

Jesus: Hey did BP make big doody in the Gulf?  But what the heck, it's the American way.  Capitalism without restraints of any kind.  And you Harry, well you’re just an all American business man ... in the God Business, but business none the less. You churned up $18 mill in less a year! I mean people cashed in their life savings! You are ssssssmoking, my friend!

Harry: Then am I… am I going to hell, Lord?

Jesus: Not exactly, Harry.  Milton likes to keep things hopping and I like to keep Uncle Milti happy - he's a sweet heart really - so I let him rule down there. Any way you’d just be a wet blanket.  No, I thought you’d like to spend eternity with other business men and visionaries such as yourself. [Intercom] Pete, send in Jonsey.

[Enter a small man with mirrored sun glasses]

Jesus: Jonsey, meet Harry Camping.  He’ll be bunking with you and Savonarola.  Harry, you’ll love the tenth circle. It's crazy! It's exclusive! It’s like beyond the nineth.  We just had to expand.

Harry: Lord?

Jesus:  Did I mention that Jimmy makes a killer Kool Aid? Hope you like grape. it's the only flavor he's got.  Oh and hey when Donny Trump gets there next month don't let his comb over scare you.

Jurassic No Parking Zone = End of Times Bust

Well the appointed hour came and went and everyone is still here. Personally I was disappointed along with millions of others. Though I was not duped out of any money, I did lay out some milk and cookies for Jesus figuring if it worked for Santa it was worth a shot.

I am not too surprised as the fundamentalist Christians have never had their history right, All this talk about the return of Jesus and dinosaurs snatching people up was just ridiculous. First of all if Jesus was coming back he'd do it style like in a Bentley. Never mind all these stupid colored horses crap - a pale horse, a red horse, a palomino. NO! And there certainly would be no need for the raptors that everyone kept going on about. There haven't been any dinosaurs for billions of years so why now? Why would Jesus have a bunch of dino's snatching people up? And then wouldn't the dinos just eat the people they were snatching up? I mean are the raptors getting to heaven? Also what about the vegan dino's? Huh? Weren't some raptors herbaviors?

Yeah this whole raptor - second coming thing was just not thought out too well.

Welcome

Sometimes things aren't always as they seem and at times the only logical answer to something is the absurd.  Like "Les Incoherents" of Montmartre I find things most interesting when they are "slightly off center."  I'll do that from time to time giving a perspective on any number of things like why "Charlie Brown Must Die." Some may be offended, some will take it in stride, some will just shake their heads while laughing inside. Just don't take things too seriously.